CAN I SPIN IN FLIPFLOPS?

A friend of mine works in a popular bookshop in London. These are the types of questions she gets asked on a daily basis.

CUSTOMER: Hello. I’d like this book please. It’s about a man that leaves his family to journey to Iceland with only the company of his pet cat and then he goes to live with a commune that’s actually a front for MI5.

FRIEND: Oh right. Did you see it on the Sunday Times bestseller list or something?

CUSTOMER: No. I’d just like a book that’s about that sort of thing.

CUSTOMER: Hello! My friend was reading a really good book at the weekend and I’d like to buy it!

FRIEND: Great! What was it called let me see if I have it in stock.

CUSTOMER: Oh right. Yes. I’m not sure. It had a blue cover though and the title was in orange and the writing on the back was in white.

FRIEND: Hmmmm

She and I empathise with each other as spin studios seem to attract the same type of nonsense talk as bookshops.

CLIENT: I’ve forgotten my trainers

ME: Ah yes, I can see that might be a problem.

CLIENT: I’ve got my flipflops that I shower in though. Can I just wear those?

ME: Well not really, it’s not Centre Parcs.

CLIENT: Can I borrow your shoes?

ME: Well I need those to spin in plus I’m only a size 3 and you are a big man.

CLIENT: *Walks off dejectedly eyeing up other people’s feet.*

I think a good deal of the time people don’t read the timetable of gyms and just turn up hoping they can influence the structure of the class. Last week, just before my third class of the evening was about to start I was forced to have this conversation

CLIENT: (Hopping alongside me enthusiastically as I down pints of water and try to change one sweaty top for another top that will be just as sweaty in 45 minutes) Hi there! I’m really looking forward to your class!

ME: Excellent! 

CLIENT: I was thinking that maybe we could do some core work and some squats and stuff.

ME: Well, this is a spinning class and I’m not sure all the other people would be up for that as they were hoping to come to do spinning.

CLIENT: Go on! Why don’t we just do 15 minutes at the end? Some abs yeah?

ME:  I’m going to have to say No I’m afraid, but there is an abs class on straight after this

CLIENT: Yeah I don’t really fancy that. 

MY P.E KIT

Teaching up to 5 spin classes a day means I go through millions of P.E kits every week.

Let me tell you this: P.E kits are not cheap. However…I have found ways, my friends, of playing the system.

I buy pretty much all my clothes from children’s department in Sports Direct. Have realised that age 11-12 is size 8 and is third of the price. Is bit weird when you are queuing up next to 9 year olds but for leggings at £20 rather than £60 who cares. 

I love Sports Direct so much. Every single branch is different and if you go on a Tuesday morning around ten past ten you will be the only person there, free to roam around discovering all the sporty delights. Some Sports Directs are so big you will never be able to find your way out. A friend of mine once got lost in the Manchester Arndale Sports Direct for TWO HOURS! (I think he might have been a bit drunk though).

Cycling through Holloway last week I saw a massive sign up in Sporty D’s Window saying ‘ALL STOCK LIQUIDISED MUST GO’. I threw down my bicycle (making sure to lock it very carefully, you can’t be too careful with detachable wheels) and rushed in.

I grabbed the first shop assistant I saw (took me 12 minutes they were all hiding out in the camping section by the stoves, maybe wanted to imagine were on holiday?) and begged him to tell me the truth:

ME: WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHY IS ALL THE STOCK LIQUIDISED? PLEASE TELL ME THAT ALL THE SPORTS DIRECTS AREN’T CLOSING DOWN. WHAT WILL I DO? WHERE WILL I GO?

SPORTY D’s ASSISTANT: Nah we’re just getting rid of the winter stock.

ME: Oh. Right. Jolly good. (Buy two pairs of leggings for 11 year olds and hastily leave).

As a result of P.E kits coming out ears I have to do washing ALL THE TIME. I am very frugal though, try to save up as much washing as possible and then only use one washing tab. V proud of self. Saving money and time.

Yesterday I discovered my husband is not so frugal with the washing tabs. He’d put a wash on before he went to work (he doesn't have any P.E kits, doesn't like P.E, so was just work shirts, jumpers etc) but he’d forgotten to press play!

I returned home at 8.45 am (after teaching 2 spin classes so two sweaty P.E kits already! Only Monday morning!) and thought ‘AHA! He’s forgotten to press play I can sneak some sweaty child leggings in there’. Opened door and not one, not two, but THREE WASHING TABS fell out! Was shocked and appalled. Called husband:

ME: Why did you put three washing tabs in machine? Clothes not even that dirty?! I am doing sweaty wash all the time with one tiny tab!

HUSBAND: I hadn’t done any washing for a while so I thought I’d use all the tabs I would have used on previous washes and make my clothes smell super nice!

ME: That’s not how it works!

HUSBAND: I love it when they smell so nice though. Your clothes never smell that nice.

ME: I KNOW! AM ONLY USING ONE TEENY TINY TAB!

Got text from husband this morning:

‘Have put some of your sweaty disgusting clothes on to wash. Two tabs as treat.x’

SEEING RED

One of the spin studios I work at (The Busy Gym) has a very complicated lighting system.

There are nine different buttons (tiny and squashy like trampolines for mice) on a silver square which controls all the studio lights.

As far as I can tell this system will do even more complicated lighting combinations if you hold your fingers on the trampoline buttons for different amounts of time (Two seconds for pulsing, a firm push and hold for strobing etc). 

The Head Honcho did show it to me when I first started but I got slightly overwhelmed halfway through his explanation (too many settings) and drifted off.

Head Honcho: So yeah, it’s pretty cool, you can do a mixture of 38 lighting combinations and change it for each track! I actually programmed it myself.

Me: Yes. Oh. Well done!

HH: (Presses lots of different buttons proudly) So does that all make sense then? It’s pretty simple huh?

Me: Yes (thinking about what to have for breakfast and also wondering why Head Honcho isn’t working for some type of NASA programme if capable of such programming abilities.)

So as a result I’ve only touched it once and that was just to make HH feel like he had done good job explaining. (Due to him being so happy with his work). Up until this week.

Three minutes before the class was due to start a man wearing very tight shorts came up to front to talk to me.

Tight Shorts: Hello. I’m not very good with the colour red so could you possibly put it on a setting that doesn’t have red?

Me: Sure! I can try (doubtful and apprehensive. Wishing had listened more to Head Honcho)

TS: OK great. X that teaches on Tuesdays puts it on a nice greeny blue setting. I think it might be bottom left two taps.

Me: Wow greeny blue. OK. (Touch every button with different tap combinations – no luck. Red everywhere. In fact at one point whole studio goes red. TS has to look at floor)

TS: Oh dear, yes that’s still quite red.

Me: (Do more tapping and find setting where red seems to only appear randomly every 27^th second or so) I’m so sorry but the class is about to start and I’m really not having any luck with any amount of pressure or combinations. I think this is our best bet.

TS: (Thinking) I suppose I could close my eyes in the red bits

Me: Yes but how will you know when the red bits are coming up?

TS: Good point. I don’t suppose I will…

TS walks off and hops onto bicycle (takes while as difficult due to tightness of shorts). I teach class as normal and glance over every so often at TS. He’s cheerily spinning away with eyes closed even not in red bits!. Very confused. Think that maybe just likes keeping eyes closed? After class has finished, walk over to TS.

Me: Hello. I noticed you had your eyes closed a good fair amount there.

TS: Yes, I just couldn’t take the risk.

Me: Right. OK. Did you not feel quite dizzy, especially in the standing bits?

TS: (Cheerily) Oh yes, I did quite but it was better than seeing red.

Stayed after class to play with squashy buttons. Still couldn’t make red go away. Will have to ask Head Honcho for second explanation. (Or more likely just bring blindfold for TS). 

FIGHT THE RESISTANCE

Teaching Spin is very similar to being a radio presenter.

I know this because I once presented a two hour breakfast show for the popular and well regarded (in community radio circles) Burnage FM. (Popular with two students and a local takeaway company who donated a free pizza to the winners of our ‘What did you have for your tea?' competition. We didn't have any callers, let alone winners so my co-host and I won every week.)

As a Spin Instructor 

• You have to talk pretty much constantly for 45 minutes. However you can't see the faces of anyone you're talking to/shouting at (as instructor spotlight is blinding and sweat gets into eyes so everyone is fuzzy blur after first track)
• You have to be funny (but no one will ever laugh because they are either traumatised by being in a spin class, completely out of breath or being serious Front Row Spinners (FRS). (These guys do not smile, laugh, cough or breathe and often decide to do their own thing completely. They will be sprinting on a hill climb and vice versa. I am baffled. Also they will wear barely any clothes and have towels with their own initials sewn in.)
• You have to have a couple of amusing background stories about things that have happened to you during the week (to entertain spinners whilst they are setting up their bikes).
• You also have to introduce the next track and let people know what's about to happen during it: (Difficult when have playlist of 350 tracks and only Spotify knows what's coming next but keeps me on toes) 

E.G ME: ‘Next up we’ve got a serious hill climb but Craig David’s in the house and I don’t know about you but I’m over the moon with the return of some UK Garage...!'
SPINNERS: Cough, drink water, make weird noises like they’re going to be a bit sick.

ME: Cool! Well… here we go.

As a result of the constant talking, trying to be stand up comedian, making sure that everyone is still alive and actually teaching spin sometimes I have no control over the phrases that come out of my mouth. This week my top 4 have been...

• 'Just an inch can make a big difference boys' - Said this by mistake in Shouty Gym to lunchtime class of 26 men when trying to encourage them to turn their dial to make the hill steeper.

• 'Stay with me!' (In style of paramedic). Said in Busy Gym in desperation at end of a long track when someone looked like they had fallen asleep in back of class. 

• FIGHT THE RESISTANCE - Said in Posh Gym in middle of hill climb when I got overexcited. 

• Singing in perfect harmony (third above) to Lenny Kravitz's 'Fly Away'. Was so pleased, surprised and impressed with self did it for every chorus. Spinners didn't look pleased or impressed, did look a little surprised though. 

Over and Out.